You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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