my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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