Even the bartender felt bad for me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
