If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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