She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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