whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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