Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
