The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
