Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize