You really coming over, don't trick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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