Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
