I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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