So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
