there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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