I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
