This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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