I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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