She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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