I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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