sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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