I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
