just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize