this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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