Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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