I have demons in me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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