the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
