i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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