Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
