Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
