i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
