if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
