i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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