I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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