lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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