so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
