So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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