my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
