do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
