I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
