If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize