My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
