There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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