Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
tell me about the eggs
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
