She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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