why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
