You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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