Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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