I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
