Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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