I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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