We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
