I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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