I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
