is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
no, he came in my armpit
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
