My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
