You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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