I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
