my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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