Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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