Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
