as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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