I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
