Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
