pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
They took my balls.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
